Siblings, Side Eyes, & Solidarity

Sibling relationships are some of the longest and most complicated relationships we’ll ever have. In this episode, we explore sibling dynamics in all their forms: growing up with siblings, navigating adulthood with siblings who are now parents themselves, and raising children who are siblings under our own roof.

From rivalry to loyalty, love, and lifelong connection, we talk about how sibling dynamics shape us and how we can be more intentional about the ones we’re helping our children build.

Life doesn’t come with a manual but it does come with moments that shape us.

Growing WildFlowers is a podcast for parents, partners, and people doing their best to grow something meaningful in the middle of real life. We talk love, parenting, marriage, culture, and the beautifully messy moments in between. With honest conversations, shared stories, and gentle reminders that growth isn’t always loud, but it’s always happening.

• Rooted in connection

Transcript

Will 0:00

What's up, Wild Ones? Welcome to Growing Wildflowers, the podcast where we talk all things parenting, fact, and purpose, and the beautiful mess in between. I'm Will.

Neesh 0:08

And I'm Neach. Today's episode, Siblings, Sigh Eyes, and Solidarity.

Will 0:13

Before we had friends we chose, we had siblings we didn't.

Neesh 0:17

And somehow those were our longest relationships. Before we even understood what relationships were.

Will 0:24

They were our first competition, our first teammates, and our first arguments.

Neesh 0:29

And some of our biggest headaches.

Will 0:31

Today, we're talking about sibling dynamics, not just growing up with them, but growing into adulthood with them and raising siblings under our own roof.

Neesh 0:41

Because whether close, complicated, or somewhere in between, siblings shape us.

Will 0:46

Let's start where it all begins. Childhood.

Neesh 0:50

The roles we didn't even know we were being assigned.

Will 0:53

You know, the responsible one, the dramatic one, the favorite, and don't forget the invisible one.

Neesh 1:02

And you know what's wild is most of us are still carrying those labels into adulthood.

Will 1:08

Same house, same parents, completely different childhoods.

Neesh 1:13

Yep. This is something me and my sister joke about all the time. I happen to recently read an article about why parents can be different. They claim that they are both conscious and unconscious reasons why siblings are so distinct from one another. Wait, wait, wait. Let me pull it up. Okay, here it is. They say that differences are influenced by factors inherent in the children, issues inherent in the adult parents, and issues in life circumstances. And this other article states it's more than environment. There are major factors like how we perceive the world in combination with things like birth order, the mental and emotional state of a parent at a particular time, financial stress, or even unconscious projections based on a parent's own unresolved trauma.

Will 2:11

Yeah, I could definitely see some truth to that when you think about parents just trying to navigate whatever their current situations are and how it can have an impact on the relationship that they build or the way that they raise their child. And when you think about how we naturally respond to some sort of trauma, I mean, we definitely get an impulse reaction to certain things happening or certain things being triggered. And so, therefore, of course, we want to jump out there and protect our child in the best way possible from something that we think may have a certain kind of impact because it did on us.

Neesh 2:54

And that can be good or bad.

Will 2:55

Right. In reality, we're all individuals. Maybe the same thing happening to your child might not have the same response. That child is different, but I think that's not something you're thinking about in the moment. You're just trying to do what you think is best. And a lot of times what we think is best is based on our experiences. So I can understand that.

Neesh 3:14

Yeah. For me, what's even more interesting is when you see or notice that your siblings have grown up.

Will 3:21

Absolutely. Especially when your little sister becomes a mom and your younger brother becomes a dad.

Neesh 3:29

Yeah. In my case, my older sister became a mom with like real children, not those dolls we used to play with.

Will 3:38

Right. When my older sister became a mom, I will never forget because it was the first child from one of my siblings, and it triggered something different in me. I automatically had this instinct to want to be there, to want to support, to want to protect. And that helped me grow and develop myself. So it was definitely life-changing for that period of time for me. And then as my other siblings start to have children as well, it's always a wild moment when you see them grow to be adults who now have to raise and protect children. And again, it activates something in you to just be ready to support, to be ready to be there for whatever it is that they may need, but it's always there as an instinct.

Neesh 4:34

Yeah, I definitely understand that. I've had those feelings as well. It's definitely interesting when they are your siblings, and you still see them as this little kid playing with you, but they're adults now with their own kids. It's definitely eye-opening.

Will 4:55

Yeah, it's a huge shift because you naturally have a certain response to them as your younger siblings or your older sibling, and you automatically want to go to that, but then at the same time, you're talking to them and you're hearing that maturity and that understanding of responsibility, and all you could do is be at awe sometimes of the person that they've grown into. And suddenly you're not just siblings, you're adults navigating boundaries.

Neesh 5:28

Ah, yes. And yeah, and sometimes being adults still arguing as 12-year-olds.

Will 5:35

Yep, that part. And now we're on the other side of all of it. Let's really dive into what it's like raising siblings under one roof.

Neesh 5:48

We're not just siblings anymore, we're adults and we're parents raising these kids.

Will 5:55

And let's be honest, sibling rivalry is not a myth.

Neesh 6:00

Well, to be fair, I don't know if me and my sister had an all-out rivalry. But it wasn't loud. It can be loud sometimes, it can be emotional, and sometimes it's daily growing up. You got issues.

Will 6:20

I don't know about that.

Neesh 6:24

It's true. You gotta think. I only had one sibling to deal with, and it was another girl. So we had a lot of fun playing dolls, and I think the rivalry might have came in when playing Nintendo and wanting to win a game, but we got along like forever.

Will 6:49

I hear you. Yeah, I think when it comes to my siblings, there was some nuance to it. It was a little bit different. We had an age gap as far as myself and my younger brothers. Um, and then I had my two sisters who, like naturally, for me with them, there was never really a rivalry. It was really like I was waiting for a phone call, you know, because I just wanted to protect my sisters. There was nothing that was going to harm them or come their way. Uh, but when it comes to my younger brothers, I think they was they were spared a little bit in the sense that we didn't live in the same household when I became a certain age. When I was a teenager, I was highly competitive and I played sports. And I know that I would have likely demanded so much more from them when it came into that realm because I could see that. Yeah, I expected uh nothing but greatness when it came down to that. And so I would have had them with me because we had that bond, and I think they would have got to see me in that element a lot more, but it also would have brought some type of challenge to it as well that might have flourished in a different way. But the good thing is we've always had this bond where it didn't matter what we were doing, and we all did different things at different points, or sometimes the same thing at different times, to where we were able to influence or inspire or just give advice. So that was the beneficial thing, but that's probably the reason why rivalry didn't necessarily thrive in our relationships growing up.

Neesh 8:30

Yeah, I think it definitely makes a difference being the older sibling or not, and whether, because me and my sister did not have a rivalry like that. We play sports together, we were outside walking, riding bikes, and things like that.

Will 8:45

Right, right. No, I get it, absolutely. However, I do have to acknowledge that sibling rivalry is a real thing, though, out there, and sometimes it feels personal.

Neesh 8:59

Yeah, it is personal, but this is where intentional parenting really matters because you're bringing in all of those things from growing up, being siblings, and there's like this invisible line of when you're growing up in that gravitational pool to transition into being parents and deciding what kind of parent you are going to be in order to raise the kind of children you want. That is sometimes an easy transition for us because we know how we were growing up, we saw our siblings growing up, and we're gonna take all of that into consideration. Even now, there are times when I asked your older sister will for advice on things with the kids. And just so you guys know, it is okay to still seek advice from your siblings, even if you don't want to.

Will 10:22

And so naturally your siblings have that same feeling, and so they want to be there as support in the best way possible as well. And the fact that as siblings, you have that connection, but at the same time you grow and go in different directions, it gives you a vast amount of knowledge between each other. So when you're able to communicate and ask for that advice, sometimes you'll find because they walk a different road than you have, they are very insightful, and so you should always be open to listening to the younger sister, younger brother, or older sister, or older brother. Yeah. Because although you think you know everything there is to know about them, trust and believe. There's a lot of things that they've seen that you did not get to witness, and that is the kind of wisdom you're going to need when it comes to raising these children.

Neesh 11:24

Now, with that all being said, let's reflect on how we raise our kids who are siblings through conflict. Well, do you think it is shaped by our own experiences with our siblings or not?

Will 11:41

I think it's both. I think it is, and I think sometimes it's not. And I say that because as a parent and as parents, what we often do is we try to use everything we have to have the best possible impact on our children. And so if there's something that I've witnessed or experienced that has had an impact on me in a certain way or not, I consider that when they're going through things and something's happening. So I may use some of the experiences I've had with my siblings and understanding how we navigated it and how it impacted us. But sometimes I'm dipping into the bag of this is new.

Neesh 12:28

Oh, yeah.

Will 12:29

And I'm gonna try something different because not everything is copy-paste applicable. I think we really have to understand our children as separate individuals who may not always respond exactly how we did to maybe the same situation and circumstances. So I like to try to be conscious of that and give opportunities for me to learn while they're exploring and developing and making sure that I'm shining the best light on that opportunity.

Neesh 13:05

Absolutely. That was nicely put. I think it is important for us to find the correct way to respond to conflict, but yet guide them on how to resolve the issues eventually by themselves.

Will 13:22

I think one of the best things we do sometimes is we'll let them know. Yeah, I have to figure this out. We can't always have the answers, especially when it comes to their conflicts, because those are gonna live much longer than us being there in the home as parents. They're gonna have to navigate life together as siblings even beyond us. And so that begins now. If we're really trying to prepare them for what's next, we have to give them the situational awareness to be able to make the adjustments, have the decision quality, and figure it out.

Neesh 14:07

Yeah, it's funny enough that they recently, the two older kids had doctor's appointments, and the doctor just happened to ask them, now, are you girls best friends? And they laughed and said, Yes, we're best friends. And I was so shocked because they were just in the house yelling and screaming at each other over I can't even remember what it was, but uh that is whatever it was, they were able to resolve the issue and continue to be best friends, and I think that is exciting to see, and exciting to know that the things that we are trying to instill in them are actually working.

Will 14:55

I agree. When all the noise fades, what are we really hoping for?

Neesh 15:01

We're not raising kids who never argue, we're raising kids who know how to repair. We're essentially raising children who will one day become adults, and we want them to still choose each other, to still be around each other, hang out with each other.

Will 15:19

Yeah, because sibling relationships aren't about perfection, they're practicing. Yes, practicing to become adults who can manage conflict, who can have disagreements and still come together. And there's no better way to honor your siblings relationships, to value your sibling relationships, than to be able to be fully grown adults with families who come together and enjoy the time spent and enjoy the reflection of the life that you've lived together.

Neesh 16:07

Yeah, I I definitely appreciate my sister more now than I probably did growing up. But it's worth having those relationships with your siblings.

Will 16:22

Absolutely. First of all, growing up, we're not mature enough to fully understand the value of the relationship that we're blessed to have.

Neesh 16:32

And we can expect raising our kids that they understand what we've already learned.

Will 16:38

Absolutely. And so what we can do is encourage them to do the things together and give them the building blocks that will allow them to actually be able to create the kind of bond that will be lifelasting.

Neesh 16:59

Right, exactly.

Will 17:05

All right, remember, no overthinking, only quick answers. Let's go.

Neesh 17:10

All right, ready.

Will 17:11

Who was the don't touch my stuff sibling?

Neesh 17:15

Ooh, definitely my older sister. Okay. What something only your sibling can do that would get on your nerves instantly?

Will 17:28

That has to be uh the numbing effect, I think, of whenever I'm around my siblings, all my superpowers go away. It's like super random krypton. I I don't know how it happens, but it does.

Neesh 17:41

We'll come back to that one.

Will 17:44

Who was the sibling most likely to tell on everybody?

Neesh 17:48

Oh, you would think it would be me being the younger system. But again, that was my older sister.

Will 17:57

Gotcha.

Neesh 17:58

Oh, my turn. What's something your sibling could say with just one look?

Will 18:05

Oh, when BS is happening instantaneously, I could just arrive somewhere and look at my siblings, any one of them, and I already know how. All right, it's that kind of thing. All right.

Neesh 18:16

Yeah, I've seen that look.

Will 18:17

Yeah. It's real quick. What did having siblings teach you about people?

Neesh 18:24

Probably just teamwork and working together. We definitely came up with songs and all sorts of stuff just by working together.

Will 18:36

Got it.

Neesh 18:36

All right. At the end of it all, what does sibling solidarity mean to you?

Will 18:43

It means an understanding of no matter where we go, how far apart we are at times, when we come together, there's nothing better than that. The joy, the love, the moment is more impactful than anything else. All right. It's not a real sibling conversation unless you reveal or share something that no one else may know about you and your sibling. Like there's a secret somewhere. We know the siblings have them.

Neesh 19:24

Oh man.

Will 19:24

What you got?

Neesh 19:25

Oh, what I got. Okay, let's see. So growing up, we had a ceiling fan in our room, and we would put pennies. I don't even know whose idea. Probably my sister's idea. We would put pennies on the ceiling fan and then turn the fan on super high. And yes, and the noise from the pennies hitting the wall. My mother could hear it. And so she was like, What is that noise? What is that noise? And then we started putting slippers on the fan so you couldn't hear the noise. I guess she thought we were still doing it, or she knew we were still doing something. And so we heard her coming in the room. So we turned the fan off. And she's in the room, like, what is that noise? And the slipper is like hanging from the fan, getting ready to fall. Right. And um, she never knew what we were doing.

Will 20:30

Oh, that's wild.

Neesh 20:31

Okay, no, now it's your turn. You tried it. Share something, a secret. I want to hear it.

Will 20:38

All right, all right. So I remember growing up uh and at my grandmother's house in the basement, we had a really nice pool table. In fact, a really nice basement in general. It was all set up. I had the whole speaker system throughout the basement, the pool table, the bar, the music room. It was just a place to be. The thing was, at that time, children really was not supposed to be down there. Like we was not supposed to go down there. It was nothing but a bunch of expensive things that we could just do the wrong thing with.

Neesh 21:20

Okay.

Will 21:21

So I remember me and one of my siblings, we used to go and sneak down there because there'd be so much going on. The adults would be probably in having a good time. And we would sneak downstairs, creep, and hide underneath the pool table, and hear some of the chaos of laughter and listening to what they were talking about.

Neesh 21:41

Oh my gosh.

Will 21:42

Yeah, and then every now and then I would reach up, I would sneak one of the balls from the pool table and hold on to it and try to hide it. I remember one time I got the cue ball, and my uncle, I think he knew I did it, but he didn't say anything. So I just put it back because he gave me a look. Um yeah, and then we would sneak back upstairs, and that would be the end of that. But I'll never forget it because some of the things we heard.

Neesh 22:09

Oh my gosh, I can just down there.

Will 22:12

Yeah, it was that was a time.

Neesh 22:15

All right, bloom blast is complete.

Will 22:19

All right. If you grew up with siblings, you know the layers.

Neesh 22:25

And if you're raising siblings, you're building something bigger than you can see right now.

Will 22:30

One day, your kids won't live under the same roof.

Neesh 22:34

But we can only hope they will carry with them how they learn to treat each other, listen, and respect each other.

Will 22:42

And that might be one of the greatest gifts we give them. Same house, different people, lifelong connection.

Neesh 22:52

Yeah. Okay, so we just want to say thanks for sharing all your blue moments. We have been a reading, and most of them have been hilarious, and we will be sharing some of our favorites on the next episode. Thank you for supporting us. Don't forget to subscribe and share it. Follow us on IG at Donna underscore wildflowerway and tag your moment. Hashtag theWildflowerAway.

Will 23:21

And siblings, remember it's not about perfection, it's about navigating life and keeping that connection.

unknown 23:28

Wildflower.